For almost a year I had been living with a constant pain in my right hip. After a while I did not even recognize it as pain any more. It had become a natural part of me, like waking up in the morning. I think feeling pain is one thing, and another is how one reacts to it.
I made a well thought out of decision to ignore the pain and without mercy or sensitivity went on dedicated and fully devoted creating my art. Dance!
Dance to me is an extension of the thought to be revieled through movement. I reach the core of the idea deeper close to the seed of my feeling. Dance becomes a mirror of myself that reviels the purity of the wild thoughts and feelings, more than i am able to put in words. This mirror hides nothing, never lies and always is the truth.
My hip was giving in and this reflection of the mirror was distorted. Only way to find the connection again was to go under the knife.
After a very successful operation performed by the best surgeon with great intuition, knowledge and even a sense of humour (which is a savior many times), I was full of aggressive drive to get quickly back on my both feet. With willpower I had always been able to make things happen, even when it felt impossible. My tradition to work things out has always been through physical activity. I would train, cycle till I couldn’t any more, practise my rumbawalks till bleeding, get my body in action to allow my mind to flow and find the way.
Slowly it dawned on me that it was not the case this time. Laying on the couch, only allowed to squeeze my bum together 10 times, three times a day, I did not have my usual way out. All my thoughts were bouncing back and forth, in a dead end circle. I was like a caged animal looking for freedom. Simply drowning in my own darkness. Into my noisy head entered a monster of a thought, I am prisoned here for two months, and even after that I have four more months to go on just rehabilitating. I was resisting entering this unknown, I feared to face the known and most of all I was extremely afraid to loose all that I had trained my body and mind for all my life. Not only my body, but more so my mind was in the state of impossible nothingness. I tried to be strong, I wanted to be brave, I seeked freedom. All I had was the awareness of the disgusting feeling of being unnecessary, not good for anything.
I was going through this heavy, complicated monologue with myself . I was looking for someone to help me to clear my mind. But how could they when I was closed like an irongate. Only when I realised I was feeling pity for myself I got somekind of a grip of what to do.
I managed to push through and find the distinctive will for patience and serenity without action. That beautiful state so unknown to many of us. My mind had been poisoned by trying to show how strong one can be and to get through anything. I wanted to show the willpower inside of me and that I still can! This is unhealthy ambition and it got in the way of real healing. It was just the right time to surrender and find the truth. To stop forcing and learn from this experience rather than trying to be better.
This realisation was the gate to my freedom! I found courage to give time, find a way out of the old tradition and dive into a new with full dedication. I could breath again.
Now it is easy for me to write all this as I am well into recovery and almost like a new again. It was nighmare of four months and it did teach me a lesson. I hope I will respect this forever!